discouraged.

Over the course of the last few days, I’ve been reading through the book of Ruth trying my hardest to get something from it because, you know, it’s sorta been hard to get myself in the word.

Throughout the course of reading through Ruth, it occurred to me that, like Naomi, I too was bitter towards God. The only difference being that I was in denial of my bitterness. I thought, if I could think positively and said the right prayer-without actually dealing with my feelings towards and with God- that it would all just go away. The craziest thing is that, if you saw the season I just came out of, you’d probably be confused as to why I was so bitter, and there my friend is where I was; condemning myself for not being more grateful. I mean God did some amazing things and showed up for me in December in ways I couldn’t possibly capture with words! and here I was being a brat! Let me remind you that is NOT the heart of God!

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Ps 51:6

I am and have been in waiting mode for almost a full month. waiting around for every little thing, it seems like. I know most, if not all of us, hate waiting even for the microwave to warm up our food…how many times has it felt like you were waiting FOREVER when you’re standing there in front of it, staring at the timer as your food goes around and around and around! What, just me? okay fine. When we go do other things, doesn’t it feel like our food warms up so fast, and we sometimes even forget that the buzzer went off. I learned just yesterday that, that’s what I had been doing. Just sitting there unfaithfully waiting for God to do something while He’s given me purpose and joy, and so much more to do while I wait. I had been staring at my email and spending countless amounts of wasted time on my phone that I saw God as wasting my time because HE wasn’t moving fast enough, HE wasn’t making things happen, and even though I JUST saw Him do some crazy things just weeks ago, I lost confidence that He could do it again.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. Ps. 37:4&5

Listen, if like me, you are struggling with discouragement over jobs, relationships, season of life, lack of direction when it seems like things are happening for everyone else, I want to remind you of this truth I’m having to literally say over myself throughout my day- God sees you, He sees and knows your needs, He does not condemn you for feeling the way you feel, even in your bitterness-He wants to speak grace over you, He wants to build your trust in Him. If you do anything at all, turn to Him and get to know Him. Walk away from in front of the Microwave and go do something else while you wait for that to be ready. I wish I could tell you that this advice has been or is even right now easy for me, but it is a constant battle not to just get on social media or binge on a show and throw in the towel. He isn’t done with you, no matter how many times you hear that lie. He is diligently working everything out for your {and my} good.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the stress of my soul. Ps. 31:7

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD! Ps. 31:24

These days I’ve lacked the words to pray, so I’ve just been saying this: “Lord, let your will be done.” Sometimes I really mean it and other times I just need to say it to keep from going crazy, but you know what? That’s okay, because if the worst thing that happens is that God’s will is done, that is the best worst thing that’s ever happened! lol.

Create in me a clean heart, O God. and renew a right spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Ps. 51:10

Some highlights from December: (So much community and lots of goodbyes, the Lord provided enough money to start my Citizenship process, a car, I graduated, and oh, I moved back to the east coast)

 

 

 

 

 

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